Fashion update: The Last Couple of Months

My Dad - June 2009

I thought I would just share some of the thoughts I have been having over these last couple of months while dealing with the passing of my father. I have never been in these shoes before so I had no idea how the death of a loved one impacts ones daily life. Now I know, and also know that many of you have gone through this as well. I assumed that after such a tragic event, one does their best to pick up the pieces and simply do their best to move on with life. For the most part, this is what happens. What I did not realize is that there is now one piece of my life that is missing and sadly nothing can replace that missing piece.

For all 33 years of my life, my dad has been an integral part of it. He had a special gift for making others feel loved and always wanted to be a part of his kids' lives. I've not known a life without him, so I am now grappling with the concept of going through the next 33 plus years in a life without him. I do know that he is actively part of our lives from a different realm, but it is hard because it is just not the same.

One of the biggest shocks of the ordeal is the feeling of disbelief. I will often feel like he is still around - that I could call him up in a moment's notice. It is always a jolt of shock when I remember things have changed. Hand in hand with that feeling is the deep sorrow and sense of loss that seems to hover just over the surface when I think of him.

My mom pointed out that perhaps we are all hurting so much because he was such a loving dad, and we know what we are missing out on. I admire my mom so much for holding up despite this devastation. She is determined to be our rock and the person we can lean on, when I'm sure her grief and pain is double mine.

What I never knew about this kind of experience is that the pain of loss never really goes away. Shortly after dad's death, several people told me about this aspect of the situation. At first I didn't want to believe them because I wanted to think things would eventually return back to normal. What I have now come to accept is that things don't go back to becoming normal. They just become a new normal, and you learn how to cope with the non replaceable lost piece of the puzzle.

I find that I can usually stay upbeat and positive for the most part and stay out of the deep sorrow pot, but then I guess my emotions get tired of holding themselves up and I somehow slip into the pot and wallow in sorrow and grief for a time until my emotions get tired of all the sadness, and I jump out of the pot as quickly as possible.

Now more than ever, the words to the song 'Families can be Together Forever' have new meaning for me and I look forward to the day when we can all be reunited. Until then, I have faith in Heavenly Father's plan, even though I do not have all the answers and don't fully understand the whys. I know that someone who loves me very much is watching our for me and my family from above, and for the moment, this gives me great comfort.